But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and
forgiving.
Emmerson said:' Every man I meet is my superior in some way.
In that, I learn of him.'
想起前一段时间听的积极心理学，人都是倾向于保持内、外的一致，如果不一致的话就需要进行调整以达到心理平衡。例如罪犯在心里为自己的犯罪行为进行开脱。
因此，批评的问题在于它伤害他人的自尊/自我，使他人抗拒接受那些批评者的观点。
Criticism is futile because
it puts a person on the
defensive and usually makes him strive to justify himself.
When dealing with people, let us remember we are not dealing with
creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion,
creating bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and
vanity.
在这一部分作者用了一个标题：If you want to gather honey, don't kick over the
beehive.翻译过来就是：如果想采蜜的话，就别踢翻了蜂巢。对于人而言，自我/自尊就是那个蜂巢，批评就是踢翻蜂巢的那个动作。很多时候，当我们批评他人时，是非对错已经不再重要。因为人们并不关心是非对错，而只关心自我，这就是人性。
2、性格互补
这一章里还谈到马克.吐温的妻子对丈夫的帮助，实际上是在性格上的一种互补。今天听到斯特里普的获奖感言，也是感谢丈夫。实际上，婚姻这种两个人的团队，如果运行良好，是可以发挥出巨大的能量。通常所谓的心理学意义上的个人的社会支撑体系，最基本的就是来自于婚姻中的另一半。因为老人与孩子更需要我们的支撑，而亲戚与朋友并不是团队的必然成员。只有婚姻中的伴侣，是个人的人生团队中的必然和永久成员，虽然这仅仅是一个两个人的团队。
3、影响他人的方式
'Action springs out of what we fundamentally desire...and the best
piece of advice which can be given to would-be persuaders...is:
First,arouse in other person an eager want. He who can do this has
the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely
way.'(Influencing Human Behavior, Harry A, Overstreet)
......the only way to influence people is to talk in terms of what
the other person wants.
Before you speak, pause and ask yourself,' How could I make this
person want to do it?'
'If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to
get the other
person's point of view and see things from
that person's angle as well as from your own.'(Henry Ford)
The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So
the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an
enormous advantage.
Looking at other person's point of view and arousing in him an
eager want for something is not to be construed as manipulating
that person so that he will do something that is only for your
benefit ans his detriment. Each party should gain from the
negociation.
4、从自己做起及其它
将这一章里的其它好句子抄录如下：
But why not begin on yourself? From a purely selfish standpoint,
that is a lot more profitable than trying to improve others.
刘墉:帶女兒去慕田裕,下山看見水果攤,女兒試吃了一個,手裡攥著剝下的果皮,四處找垃圾桶,有小販看到說'扔地上啊!你沒看見滿地都是嗎?'女兒說'別人我不管,只管好我自己.'/深夜在上海,碰上紅燈,一位老先生拉太太'沒車,快過!'老太太說'要過你過,紅燈我不過.'/想要世界好,別管人家怎樣,先由堅持自己對的原則做起.
Don't complain about the snow on your neighbour's roof when your
own doorstep is unclean.(Confucius)
I will speak ill of no man.(Benjamin Franklin)
A great man shows his greatness by the way he treats little man.
(Carlyle)
'Self-expression is the dominant necessity of human
nature.'(William Winter)
5、本章小结（原则建议--Fundamental Techniques in Handling People)
Dont' criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
四、英文版第二章--Six Ways to Make People Like You
You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in
other people than you can in two years by trying to get other
people interested in you.
People are not interested in you. They are not interested in me.
They are interested in themselves--morning, noon and after
dinner.
It is the individual who is not interested in his fellow men who
has the greatest difficulties in life and provides the greatest
injury to others. It is from among such individuals that all human
falures sprEing.(
What Life Should Mean to You, Alfred
Adler)
We are interested in others when they are interested in us.(a
famous old Roman poet, Publilius Syrus)
For Schwab(Charles Schwab)'s personality, his charm, his ability to
make people like him, were almost wholly responsible for the
extraordinary success; and one of the most delightful factors in
his personality was his captivating smile.
......people rarely succeed at anything unless they have fun doing
it. This industrial leader doesn't put much faith in the old adage
that hard work alone is the magic key that will unlock the door to
our desires,......
Dale Carnegie：Happiness doesn't depend on outward conditions. It
depends on inner conditions.
Abe Lincoln: Most folks are about as happy as they make up their
minds to be.
Elbert Hubbard: Thought is supreme. Preserve a right mental
attitude--the attitude of courage, frankness, and good cheer. To
think right is to create. All things come through desire and every
sincere prayer is answered. We become like that on which our hearts
are fixed.
Emmerson: Good manners,are made up of petty sacrifices.
人性告诉我们，要想被爱就要先付出爱与真诚，舍此别无他途。这个建议对于一个领导者或是恋人都同样适用。
我们总是想尽办法让自己高兴，但是却很少考虑怎样让别人高兴，例如亲人，例如朋友，例如老板。但是却忘了很多时候别人高兴我们自己才能高兴，例如亲人，例如朋友，例如老板。这就是为什么说我们经常走向自己追求的目标的反面的道理。
不反对的原则。早上出门前看完一段《人性的弱点》。里面引用了一段话，我觉得挺有道理。我们听到别人说话，总是急于做出判断:
对或是错，赞成或是反对。却很少去想对方为什么会这么说。随着年龄增长，我们更多地去理解对方的立场，但是也做不到每次都去想。更加做不到的是，每次都不反对。
要让人信服，无法仅仅依靠权力，而是要别人敬佩、信服或是爱戴你。
DALE CARNEGIE的原则性建议（Six Ways to Make People Like You)包括：
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and
most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener.Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interest.
Make the other person feel important-and do it sincerely.
五、逻辑、事实与建议
今天看完了Dale Carnegie的How to Win Friends and Influence
People的第一章Fundamental Techniques in Handling People。出差就带上这本书。
接着读这本书。其实它的说服力很简单，一是逻辑，即为什么，二是事实，即现实发生过什么。
逻辑方面会引用一些名家之说或者理论与研究成果，事实方面则是会引用正反两方面的事例。
逻辑与事实是为了说明一个观点或是说服我们相信这个观点，而作为一本操作性的书籍，具体的建议也必不可少。例如在第二章中就如何让人喜欢你而提出的建议就包括记住他人的生日，热情回应他人等。上面引用的原则建议就是这部分内容。
六、情商
人生通常有两个目标，一是幸福，二是成功。二者共同需要的一种素质是意志力，坚持不放弃，怀抱希望。后者还需要情商，处理与人的关系。至于教育，真的只是一个起点而已。你见过跑马拉松的一开始就玩命儿跑的吗？再说，跑得快有什么用呢？如果你跑错了方向的话。德重于才的原因就是，德代表方向，而才代表速度。
如果把赢作为教育的目标的话，我认为最重要的有三点：视野（至少知道山外有山）、独立思考的能力（不要人云亦云）和意志力（要能坚持而不畏难）。还有情商。可以看看DALE
CARNEGIE的作品，还是蛮有启发的。
从上面两段来看，成功需要视野、独立思考、意志力和情商。
七、英文版第三章--How to Win People to Your Way of Thinking
原则性建议为：
The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say,'You're
wrong.'
If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
Begin in a friendly way.
Get the other person saying 'yes,yes' immediately.
Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
Let the other person feel that the idea is his or
hers.
Try
honestly to see things from the other person's point of
view.
Be sympathetic with
the other person's ideas and
desires.
Appeal to the nobler motives.
Dramatize your ideas.
Throw down a challenge.
八、卡耐基与老子
读卡耐基有助于理解人性，提高情商。读老子有助于调整心态，客观关照自己和世界。
前几天读到卡耐基的HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE
PEOPLE，在这本书的第三章里竟然引用了一段老子：The reason why rivers and seas receive
the homage of a hundred mountain streams is that they keep below
them. Thus they are able to reign over all the mountain streams. So
the sage, wishing to be above men, putteth himself below them;
wishing to be before them, he putteth
himself behind
them. Thus, though his place be above men, they do not feel his
weight; though his place be before them,they do not count it an
injury.
卡耐基在这一段讲解的原则是：Let the other person feel that the idea is his or
hers.
我拿来老子，一直找到了66章，才找到这段原文：江海所以能为百谷王者，以其善下之，故能为百谷王。是以圣人欲上民，必以言下之；欲先民，比以身后之。是以圣人处上而民不重，处前而民不害（前面英文翻译到此），
是以天下乐推而不厌。以其不争，故天下莫能与之争。
讲的是处下和不争的道理。
九、人们都是顺毛驴儿
周末早上是读书和写作时间。今天读了一段卡耐基。我觉得很不错的地方在于处理敌意和争执。当我们站在对方立场上说话并指出实际的情况时，我们并没有放弃自己的立场和利益。
他告诉我们人都是顺毛驴，有时的敌意是出于冲动和骄傲，我们没必要与其争执，而是表达同情、善意，最后再谈实际情况，有时候这最后一部分也可以省略，因为大家都明白我们谈话的主题是什么，不说出来强调双方的矛盾，对于问题的解决更为有利。
十、人是追求意义的动物
昨天读到书里的一段话，印象深刻：......people are honest and want to discharge their
obligations.The exceptions to that rule are comparatively low,and
I'm convinced that individuals who
are inclined
to
chisel will in most cases
react favorably if you make them
feel that you consider them honest,upright and fair.(Part Three,19)
这就是有人曾经说的，你把他们作为人才他们就能成为人才。良好的意愿会激发正面的品质。
早上读完了HOW TO WIN FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE的PART
THREE。最后一段是这样的：This is what every successful person loves: the
game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or
her worth, to excel, to win.That is what makes footraces and
hog-calling and pie-eating contests. The desire to excel. The
desire for a feeling of importance.
十一、避免解决问题时的副产品
今天是劳动节，卡拉奇也放假。按照休假的惯例，上午读书写作。按照昨天读到的一篇文章（除了朱自清和林语堂以外的一篇），吃了一顿丰盛的早餐（有自备的水果和酸奶），把垫电视的那个纸箱子里又塞了些东西使它不至于垮塌，又看了一段卡耐基。然后才坐到了电脑前面。
卡耐基的东西可能有人会称之为油滑，他自己常用的一个词是diplomatic。我的理解是这种方法通过有诚意的方式（展现善意与理解，让对方将面对敌意时可能翘起的警惕的尾巴放下来）解除了沟通双方除了问题本身以外的其它附属问题。换言之，在讨论一个问题时不要引发其它的副产品，而可以集中讨论问题本身。
例如前些日子发生的儿童当街小便的事件。主要的问题实际上是香港人与大陆人（无论是游客或是移民）之间的文化及利益冲突。这个问题就够头痛的了，解决起来相当棘手。而实际上无论香港人还是大陆人都有好人、差人，也有做得好的时候，做得差的时候。
但是如果双方不将注意力集中于化解内在的矛盾冲突，而是相互指责，纠缠于细节，就会进一步恶化双方的观感，而不是激发内在的善意去解决问题。这就是沟通的副产品。
这就像有两人打架，旁人来劝架，结果劝架的相互之间也吵起来打了起来，于是就变成了一场烂仗。也就是说，劝架就去劝架，不要自己也打起来，又再乱上添乱。
或者说，分析问题时要分清楚主次矛盾。例如夫妻吵架，长远来看，眼前的矛盾反而是次要的矛盾，夫妻的感情乃至家庭的和睦才是主要矛盾。眼前的矛盾无论怎样解决都好，都不应该影响到家庭的长治久安。但是，我们又有几个人可以做到呢？
崇祯同志就是分不清主次矛盾的典型。皇太极兵临城下，大敌当前，非要内部先搞清算，拿下了袁崇焕。
有人说崇祯政治上很老练，那是指整人方面，而不是用人方面。有人说袁崇焕无关紧要，那是崇祯上台后树立的第一督抚，拿下这面旗帜不说对于后金防御方面的影响，就说对内能没有影响？祖大寿之反复就是了。用人之际，即使是皇帝也要忍住。崇祯整人搞魏忠贤时做到了这一点，在用人时却没有做到用人之有用之处，例如袁崇焕。有人评价崇祯性急，确是的评，忍不住就是性急嘛。
十二、英文版第五章--Seven Rules for Making Your Home Life Happier
从全书的目录就可以看出来，卡耐基认为夫妻关系是最重要的人际关系。他说：Yet, for their personal
happiness, marriage is far more important to them, far more vital,
than business.
这一章的原则性建议为：
Rule 1: Don't nag.
Rule 2: Don't try to make your partner over. (不要试图改变对方。）
Rule 3: Don't criticize.
Rule 4: Give honest appreciation.
Rule 5: Pay little attentions.
Rule 6: Be courteous.
Rule 7: Read a good book on the sexual side marriage.
在讲Rule 2时，他引用了Henry James的话：The first thing to learn in intercourse
with others is noninterference with their own peculiar ways of
being happy.
卡耐基讲的事例大都是很有趣味的。事实上，我认为这是他选择素材的重要标准。就像读一个个小故事，而不是在听枯燥的说教，应该就是他所期待的效果吧。
在讲Rule
5时，卡耐基引用了一句诗说明小事对于家庭关系的重要：It's not the love's going
hurts my days, but it went in little ways.(Edna St. Vincent Millay)
可以翻译为：让我心伤的不是爱情的离去，而是它离去的原因只是琐屑小事。
在这一部分，卡耐基还引用了一段话说明关于感情的执行力： I shall pass this way but once; any
good, therefore, that I can do or any kindness that I can show to
any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer nor neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.
正好看到下面的微博：
时尚经典语录
不要等到了一个笑容，才面露慈善；不要等被爱了，才去爱；不要等到寂寞了，才明白朋友的价值；不要等到一份最好的工作，才要开始工作；不要等拥有许多，才开始分享；不要等别人受伤了，才乞求原谅；不要等分开了，才想到挽回。不要等待，因为，你不知道等待需要花费多少的时间
。
在讲Rule
6时，卡耐基引用了屠格涅夫的一段话来说明家庭与事业的关系：I would give up all my
genius, and all my books, if there were only some woman, somewhere,
who cared whether or not I came home late for dinner.(
Turgenev)
在讲Rule
7时，卡耐基引用了一个专家Dr. Hamilton的话：At any rate, the
frictions which arise from other difficulties would be ignored in
many, many cases if the sextual relation itself were
satisfactory.
以及另一个专家Dr. Butterfield的话：Sex, is but one of many satisfactions in
married life, but unless this relationship is right, nothing else
can be right.
（根据我的微博汇编）
