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Chapter 12: Liberating Ourselves and Counseling
Others
Chapter 1 Giving From the Heart
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is founded on language and
communication skills that strengthen our ability to remain human,
even under trying conditions. NVC guides us in reframing how we
express ourselves and hear others. Instead of being habitual,
automatic reactions, our words become conscious responses based
firmly on an awareness of what we are perceiving, feeling, and
wanting. We are led to express ourselves with honesty and clarity,
while simultaneously paying others a respectful and empathic
attention. In any exchange, we come to hear our own deeper needs
and those of others. NVC trains us to observe carefully, and to be
able to specify behaviors and conditions that are affecting us. We
learn to identify and clearly articulate what we are concretely
wanting in a given situation.
The form is simple, yet powerfully transformative. As NVC replaces
our old patterns of defending, withdrawing, or attacking in the
face of judgment and criticism, we come to perceive ourselves and
others, as well as our intentions and relationships, in a new
light. Resistance, defensiveness, and violent reactions are
minimized. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed,
felt, and needed rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover
the depth of our own compassion. Through its emphasis on deep
listening—to ourselves as well as others—NVC fosters respect,
attentiveness, and empathy, and engenders a mutual desire to give
from the heart. We perceive relationships in a new light when we
use NVC to hear our own deeper needs and those of others.
Although I refer to it as “a process of communication” or a
“language of compassion,” NVC is more than a process or a language.
On a deeper level, it is an ongoing reminder to keep our attention
focused on a place where we are more likely to get what we are
seeking. There is a story of a man under a street lamp searching
for something on all fours. A policeman passing by asked what he
was doing. “Looking for my car keys,” replied the man, who appeared
slightly drunk. “Did you drop them here?” inquired the officer.
“No,” answered the man, “I dropped them in the alley.” Seeing the
policeman's baffled ex-pression, the man hastened to explain, “But
the light is much better here.” I find that my cultural
conditioning leads me to focus attention on places where I am
unlikely to get what I want.
I developed NVC as a way to
train my attention—to shine the light of consciousness — on places
that have the potential to yield what I am seeking. What I want in
my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a
mutual giving from the heart. Let's shine the light of
consciousness on places where we can hope to find what we are
seeking.
This quality of compassion, which I refer to as “giving from the
heart,” is expressed in the following lyrics by my friend, Ruth
Bebermeyer:
I never feel more given to than when you take from me — when you
understand the joy I feel giving to you. And you know my giving
isn't done to put you in my debt, but because I want to live the
love I feel for you. To receive with grace may be the greatest
giving. There's no way I can separate the two.
This kind of giving benefits both the giver and the receiver. The
receiver enjoys the gift without worrying about the consequences
that accompany gifts given out of fear, guilt, shame, or desire for
gain. The giver benefits from the enhanced self-esteem that results
when we see our efforts contributing to someone's well-being.
To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the
light of consciousness on four areas—referred to as the four
components of the NVC model. First, we observe what is actually
happening in a situation: what are we observing others saying or
doing that is either enriching or not enriching our life? The trick
is to be able to articulate this observation without introducing
any judgment or evaluation—to simply say what people are doing that
we either like or don't like. Next, we state how we feel when we
observe this action: are we hurt, scared, joyful, amused,
irritated, etc.? And thirdly, we say what needs of ours are
connected to the feelings we have identified. An awareness of these
three components is present when we use NVC to clearly and honestly
express how we are.
Four components of NVC:
1. observation
2. feeling
3. needs
4. request.
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For example, a mother might express these three pieces to her
teenage son by saying, “Felix, when I see two balls of soiled socks
under the coffee table and another three next to the TV, I feel
irritated because I am needing more order in the rooms that we
share in common.” She would follow immediately with the fourth
component—a very specific request: “Would you be willing to put
your socks in your room or in the washing machine?” This fourth
component addresses what we are wanting from the other person that
would enrich our lives or make life more wonderful for us. Thus,
part of NVC is to express these four pieces of information very
clearly, whether verbally or by other means. The other aspect of
this communication consists of receiving the same four pieces of
information from others. We connect with them by first sensing what
they are observing, feeling, and needing, and then discover what
would enrich their lives by receiving the fourth piece, their
request. As we keep our attention focused on the areas mentioned,
and help others do likewise, we establish a flow of communication,
back and forth, until compassion manifests naturally: what I am
observing, feeling, and needing; what I am requesting to enrich my
life; what you are observing, feeling, and needing; what you are
requesting to enrich your life. . . .
Two parts of NVC:
1. expressing honesty through the four components
2. receiving empathically through the four components.
Summary
NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that
allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe
the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our
consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and
needing and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters
deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire
to give from the heart. Some people use NVC to respond
compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in
their personal relationships, and still others to build effective
relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is
used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.
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Chapter 2 Communication that Blocks Compassion
Do not judge, and you will not be judged. For as you judge
others, so you will yourselves be judged . . .
—Holy Bible, Matthew 7:1
In studying the question of what alienates us from our natural
state of compassion, I have identified specific forms of language
and communication that I believe contribute to our behaving
violently toward each other and ourselves. I use the term
“life-alienating communication” to refer to these forms of
communication. Certain ways of communicating alienate us from our
natural state of compassion:
Moralistic Judgments One kind of life-alienating
communication is the use of moralistic judgments that imply
wrongness or badness on the part of people who don't act in harmony
with our values. Such judgments are reflected in language such as,
“The problem with you is that you're too selfish.” “She's lazy.”
“They're prejudiced.” “It's inappropriate.” Blame, insults,
put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all
forms of judgment. In the world of judgments, our concern centers
on WHO “IS” WHAT.
The Sufi poet Rumi once wrote, “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and
right-doing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.”
Life-alienating communication, however, traps us in a world of
ideas about rightness and wrongness—a world of judgments; it is a
language rich with words that classify and dichotomize people and
their actions. When we speak this language, we judge others and
their behavior while preoccupying ourselves with who's good, bad,
normal, abnormal, responsible, irresponsible, smart, ignorant, etc.
Long before I reached adulthood, I learned to communicate in an
impersonal way that did not require me to reveal what was going on
inside of myself. When I encountered people or behaviors I either
didn't like or didn't understand, I would react in terms of their
wrongness. If my teachers assigned a task I didn't want to do, they
were “mean” or “unreasonable.” If someone pulled out in front of me
in traffic, my reaction would be, “You idiot!” When we speak this
language, we think and communicate in terms of what's wrong with
others for behaving in certain ways, or occasionally, what's wrong
with ourselves for not understanding or responding as we would
like. Our attention is focused on classifying, analyzing, and
determining levels of wrongness rather than on what we and others
need and not getting. Thus if my partner wants more affection than
I'm giving her, she is “needy and dependent.” But if I want more
affection than she is giving me, then she is “aloof and
insensitive.” If my colleague is more concerned about details than
I am, he is “picky and compulsive.” On the other hand, if I am more
concerned about details than he is, he is “sloppy and
disorganized.”
Analyses of others are actually ex-pressions of our
own
