老友记第一季第12集台词
2011-05-15 13:05阅读：
112 The One
With the Dozen Lasagnes
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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone is there. Ross working on crossword
puzzle, starts humming theme from The Odd Couple. Chandler
joins in, followed by Monica and Phoebe, then the whole gang. Ross
starts humming theme from I Dream Of Jeannie.]
Chandler: No-no-no-no, we're done.
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Opening Credits
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Monica is on the phone in the
kitchen.]
Monica: Aunt Syl, stop yelling! All I'm saying is that if
you had told me vegetarian lasagna, I would have made vegetarian
lasagna. (pauses, listens to person on phone) Well, the meat's only
every third layer, maybe you could scrape.
(Camera moves to Chandler, Phoebe, Ross, and Joey sitting in living
room)
Joey: Ross, did you rea
lly read all these baby books?
Ross: Yup! You could plunk me down in the middle of any
woman's uterus, no compass, and I can find my way out of there like
that! (snaps fingers)
Phoebe: Ooh, this is cool...it says in some parts of the
world, people actually eat the placenta. (Joey grimaces)
Chandler: And, we're done with the yogurt. (Sets
yogurt down on table)
Phoebe: (softly) Sorry. (Camera pans back to Monica, still
on phone)
Monica: Aunt Syl, I did this as a favor, I am not a caterer.
What do you want me to do with a dozen lasagnas? (listens to Aunt
Syl on phone, looks shocked) Nice talk, Aunt Syl. (in New York
accent) You kiss Uncle Freddie with that mouth?
(Camera pans back to group in living room)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, you know that right now, your baby's
only this big? (measures about 2 inches with his thumb and index
finger) This is your baby. (in baby-like voice) Hi Daddy!
Ross: (waves) Hello!
Joey: (in baby-like voice) How come you don't live with
Mommy? (pause; shows Ross less than amused) How come Mommy lives
with that other lady? (pause; Ross still looks less than amused;
Joey smiling) What's a lesbian? (playfully hits Ross)
(Rachel enters with Paolo, speaking Italian. Ross looks
annoyed)
Rachel: Honey, you can say it, Poconos, Poconos, it's like
Poc-o-nos (touching Paolo's nose with forefinger with each
syllable)
Paolo: Ah, poke (Paolo touches Rachel's nose) a (touches
nose again) nose, mmm (they rub noses, then kisses her)
Joey, Chandler, and Ross: (sitting in living room, imitating
Paolo) Mma, Mma, Mmaah
(Camera pans to Rachel, Monica, and Phoebe in the kitchen)
Monica: So, did I hear Poconos?
Rachel: Yes, my sister's giving us her place for the
weekend.
Phoebe: Woo-hoo, first weekend away together!
Monica: Yeah, that's a big step.
Rachel: I know...
(Camera pans to Ross, looking dejected)
Chandler: (to Ross) Ah, it's just a weekend, big
deal!
Ross: Wasn't this supposed to be just a fling, huh?
Shouldn't it be...(makes flinging motions with hands) flung by
now?
(Camera pans back to Rachel)
Rachel: I mean, we are way past the fling thing, I mean, I
am feeling things that I've only read about in Danielle Steele
books, you know? I mean, when I'm with him, I'm totally,
totally...
(Camera pans to Ross, holding his stomach)
Ross: ...nauseous, I'm physically nauseous. What am I
supposed to do, huh? Call immigration? (pauses, looks suddenly
inspired) I could call immigration!
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[Scene: The Hallway, Chandler and Joey leaving girls' apartment,
carrying lasagna.]
Joey: I love babies, with their little baby shoes, and their
little baby toes, and their little baby hands...
Chandler: Ok, you're going to have to stop that,
forever!
(Joey opens door, throws keys on kitchen table, table falls
over)
Joey: Need a new table.
Chandler: You think?
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[Scene: Carol and Susan's, there's a knock on the door and Carol
answers it to Ross.]
Carol: Hey hey, come on in!
(Ross enters, carrying lasagna)
Ross: Hey, hello! mmwa! (kisses Carol) I brought all the
books, and Monica sends her love, along with this lasagna.
Carol: Oh great! Is it vegetarian, 'cause Susan doesn't eat
meat.
Ross: (pauses) I'm pretty sure that it is...
Carol: So, I got the results of the amnio today.
Ross: (making flinging gestures with hands) Oh, tell me,
tell me, is everything, uhh....?
Carol: Totally and completely healthy!
Ross: Oh, that's great, that is great! (Hugs and kisses
Carol. Then picks up a picture frame)
Ross: Hey, when did you and Susan meet Huey Lewis?
Carol: Uh, that's our friend Tanya.
Ross: (surprised, chuckling nervously) Of course it's your
friend Tanya. (looks up frightenedly)
Carol: Don't you want to know about the sex?
Ross: (chuckles nervously) The sex? (chuckles) Um, I'm
having enough trouble with the image of you and Susan together,
when you throw in Tanya (miming washing hair, that's the best I
could think of), yaw...
Carol: The sex of the baby, Ross.
Ross: Oh, you know the sex of the baby? Oh, oh-oh-oh!
Carol: Do you want to know?
Ross: No, no, no, no, no, I don't want to know, absolutely
not. I think, you know, I think you should know until you look down
there, and say, oop, there it is! (pauses) Or isn't...
(Susan enters)
Susan: Oh, hello Ross!
Ross: Susan...
Susan: So, so, did you hear?
Ross: Yes, we did, everything's A-OK!
Susan: Oh, that's so... (Susan hugs Carol, they giggle, Ross
steps away) It really is...do we know...?
Carol: Yes, we certainly do, it's going to be...
Ross: (flailing arms in protest) Oh, hey hey hey, ho ho ho,
hello, guy who doesn't want to know, standing right here!
Susan: Oh, well, is it what we thought it would be?
Carol: Mm-hmmm (Susan and Carol hug, giggling. Ross stands
back, reaches out and lightly taps Susan's shoulder)
Ross: Ok, what, what...ok, what did we think it was going to
be?
Carol and Susan: It's a...
Ross: (interrupts) No, no, no I don't want to know, don't
want to know. Ok, you know, I should probably, I should probably
just go.
Carol: Well, thanks for the books.
Ross: No problem, ok, mmmwa (kisses Carol) oh, mmmwa (kisses
Carol's stomach, then punches Susan's shoulder) Susan... (Ross
leaves.)
Susan: All right, who should we call first, your folks, or
Deb and Rona? (intercom buzzer rings)
Carol: Hello?
Ross: (on intercom) Uh, never mind, I don't want to know.
(Carol and Susan laugh)
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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey and Chandler use their
knees as a table to support the lasagna.]
Chandler: Ok, so it's just because it was my table, I
have to buy a new one?
Joey: That's the rule.
Chandler: What rule? There's no rule, if anything,
you owe me a table!
Joey: How'd you get to that?
Chandler: Well, I believe the piece of furniture was
fine until your little breakfast adventure with Angela
Delvecchio
Joey: You knew about that?
Chandler: Well, let's just say the impressions you
made in the butter left little to the imagination.
Joey: Ok, ok, How about if we split it?
Chandler: What do you mean, like, buy it
together?
Joey: Yeah
Chandler: You think we're ready for something like
that?
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: Well, it's a pretty big commitment, I mean,
what if one of us wants to move out?
Joey: Why, are you moving out?
Chandler: I'm not moving out.
Joey: You'd tell me if you were moving out right
Chandler: Yeah, yeah, it's just that with my last
roommate Kip...
Joey: Aw, I know all about Kip!
Chandler: It's just that we bought a hibachi
together, and then he ran off and got married, and things got
pretty ugly.
Joey: Well, let me ask you something, was Kip a better
roommate than me?
Chandler: Aw, don't do that
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[Scene: Phoebe's Massage Parlor, Phoebe's assistant is telling her
about the changes to her schedule.]
Phoebe's Assistant: We've got a couple changes in your
schedule. Your 4:00 herbal massage has been pushed back to 4:30 and
Miss Somerfield canceled her 5:30 shiatsu.
Phoebe: Ok, thanks. (assistant leaves, then walks back
in)
Phoebe's Assistant: Oh, here comes your 3:00. I don't mean
to sound unprofessional, but, yum (walks out, Paolo enters)
Paolo: Buon Giorno, Bella Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh, Paolo, hi, what are you doing here?
Paolo: Uh, Racquela tell me you massage, eh?
Phoebe: Well, Racquela's right, yeah!
(Paolo speaks Italian)
Phoebe: Oh, okay, I don't know what you just said, so let's
get started.
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, being naked?
Phoebe: Um, that's really your decision, I mean, some people
prefer, you know, to take off...oh whoops! You're being
naked!
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[Scene: Central Perk, everyone but Phoebe is there.]
Rachel: (to Ross) I can't believe you don't want to know. I
mean, I couldn't not know, I mean, if, if the doctor knows, and
Carol knows, and Susan knows....
Monica: And Monica knows...
Ross: Wha, heh, how could you know, I don't even know!
Monica: Carol called me to thank me for the lasagna, I
asked, she told me.
Joey: So what's it gonna be? (Monica whispers in Joey's ear.
Ross gets up and waves arms frantically in protest)
Ross: Wait—oh—hey—huh, oh great now he knows, and I don't
know!
Monica: I'm sorry, I'm just excited about being an
aunt!
Joey: Or an uncle...
(Phoebe enters)
Joey and Chandler: Hey Phoebe!
Ross: Hi Pheebs!
Rachel: Pheebs!
Phoebe: Fine!
Monica: Phoebe, what's the matter?
Phoebe: Nothing, I'm sorry, I'm just, I'm out of
sorts.
Customer: Hey, can we get some cappuccino over here?
Rachel: Oh, right, that's me!
Joey: Hey, Chandler, that table place closes at 7, come
on.
Chandler: Fine. (Joey and Chandler walk towards the
door)
Monica: Phoebe, what is it?
Phoebe: All right, you know Paolo?
Ross: I'm familiar with his work, yes...
Phoebe: Well, he made a move on me.
(Joey and Chandler come back)
Joey: Whoa, store will be open tomorrow!
Chandler: More coffee over here, please!
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Monica: Well, what happened?
Phoebe: Well, he came in for a massage, and everything was
fine until. (A flashback starts Paolo, lying on massage table,
moving his hands up Phoebe's legs.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Joey and Chandler: Ooooohh!
Ross: My God.
Monica: Are you sure?
(The flashback resumes with Paolo grabbing her butt.)
[Cut back to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Oh yeah, I'm sure. (Flashback resumes with Phoebe
doing a voiceover.) And all of a sudden his hands weren't the
problem anymore. (Flashback continues: Paolo rolls over, Phoebe
looks down, then quickly looks up, bites lip, shakes her
head)
Monica: Was it...?
Phoebe: Oh, boy scouts could have camped under there.
Guys: Oooooo....
(Rachel runs over)
Rachel: 'Ooo,' what?
Phoebe: Uma Thurman.
Monica: Oh!
Ross: The actress!
(all talking indistinctly, high-fiving)
Ross: Thanks Rach.
(Rachel walks away)
Chandler: So what are you gonna do?
Ross: You have to tell her! You have to tell her! It's your
moral obligation, as a friend, as a woman, I think it's a feminist
issue! Guys? Guys? (waiting for guys to chime in)
Chandler: Oh, yeah, you have to tell her.
Joey: Feminist issue. That's where I went!
Phoebe: She is gonna hate me.
Ross:(sympathetic yet...) Yeah, well...
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[Scene: The Table Store, Joey and Chandler and looking for their
new table.]
Joey: Will you pick one, just pick one! Here, how about that
one? (points to a table)
Chandler: That's patio furniture!
Joey: So what, like people are gonna come in and think,
'Uh-oh, I'm outside again?' Of course!
Chandler: (gesturing towards another table) What
about the birds?
Joey: I don't know, birds just don't say, 'Hello, sit here,
eat something.'
Chandler: You pick one.
Joey: All right, how about the ladybugs?
Chandler: Oh, so, forget about the birds, but big red
insects suggest fine dining!
Joey: Fine, you want to get the birds, get the birds!
Chandler: Not like that, I won't! (pauses) Kip would
have liked the birds! (Joey turns and gives Chandler a dirty
look)
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel folding and packing clothes in
suitcases as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Phoebe: Are you moving out?
Rachel: No, these aren't all my suitcases. (picks up small
blue suitcase and shows to Phoebe) This one's Paolo's.
Phoebe: Um, um, Rachel can we talk for a sec?
Rachel: Well, sure...just a sec, though, 'cause Paolo's on
his way over.
Phoebe: Oh! (sits down) Ok, um, ok, um,
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, Pheebs...
Phoebe: Ok, um, (clears throat) we haven't known each other
for that long a time, and, um, there are three things that you
should know about me. One, my friends are the most important thing
in my life, two, I never lie, and three, I make the best oatmeal
raisin cookies in the world. (Phoebe opens a tin and offers Rachel
a cookie)
Rachel: (taking cookie) Ok, thanks Pheebs (takes bite of
cookie, overwhelmed) Oh my God, why have I never tasted these
before?!
Phoebe: Oh, I don't make them a lot because I don't think
it's fair to the other cookies
Rachel: All right, well, you're right, these are the best
oatmeal cookies I've ever had.
Phoebe: Which proves that I never lie.
Rachel: I guess you don't.
Phoebe: Paolo made a pass at me.
(Rachel looks stunned)
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[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Ross, Chandler, Joey, and Monica
admiring their new table.]
Chandler: So, what do you think?
Ross: I think It's the most beautiful table I've ever
seen.
Chandler: I know!
(The camera pans back to reveal Joey and Chandler's new foosball
table.)
Monica: So how does this work, you going to balance the
plates on these little guys' heads?
Joey: Who cares, we'll eat at the sink! Come on, let's
play!
Monica: Heads up Ross! (Monica scores on Chandler and Joey)
Score! (points at Chandler) You suck!
(Chandler looks at Joey in amazement)
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Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is recovering from the shock.]
Phoebe: Are you okay?
Rachel: I need some milk.
Phoebe: Ok, I've got milk (takes thermos from her bag and
starts to pour a cup) Here you go... (Rachel drinks straight from
thermos) Oh!(Rachel finishes thermos) Better?
Rachel: No...oh, I feel so stupid! Oh, I think about
the other day with you guys and I was all 'Oh, Paolo, he's so
great, he makes me feel so...' Oh, God, I'm so embarrassed!
Phoebe: I'm so embarrassed, I'm the one he hit on!
(Phoebe's and Rachel's lines overlap)
Rachel: Pheebs, if I had never met him this never would have
happened!
Rachel and Phoebe: I'm so sorry! No I'm sorry! No I'm sorry!
No I'm sorry!
Phoebe: No, wait, oh, what are we sorry about?
Rachel: I don't know...right, he's the pig!
Phoebe: Such a pig!
Rachel: Oh, God, he's such a pig,
Phoebe: Oh he's like a...
Rachel: He's like a big disgusting...
Phoebe: ...like a...
Rachel: ...pig...pig man!
Phoebe: Yes, good! Ok...
Rachel: (voice wavers) Oh, but he was my pig man...how did I
not see this?
Phoebe: (raises hand) Oh! I know! (Rachel startled) It's
because... he's gorgeous, and he's charming, and when he looks at
you...
Rachel: Ok, Ok, Pheebs...
Phoebe: The end.
Rachel: Oh, God...
Phoebe: Should I not have told you?
Rachel: No, no, trust, me, it's, it's, it's much better that
I know. Uh, I just liked it better before it was better...
(Phoebe scoots her chair over to Rachel and hugs her)
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Chandler and Joey's, Phoebe is telling everyone how it went across
the hall as the foosball game continues.]
Phoebe: I think she took it pretty well. You know Paolo's
over there right now, so...
Monica: We should get over there and see if she's okay.
(switching places with Ross) Just one...second! Score! (Monica
scores, high-fives with Ross) Game! Come on. (Monica and Phoebe
leave)
Ross: (wiping his brow) Ah...ooh! Well, looks like, uh, we
kicked your butts.
Joey: No-no, she kicked our butts. You could be on the
Olympic standing-there team.
Ross: Come on, two on one.
Chandler: What are you still doing here? She just
broke up with the guy, it's time for you to swoop in!
Ross: What, now?
Joey: Yes, now is when you swoop! You gotta make sure that
when Paolo walks out of there, the first guy Rachel sees is you,
She's gotta know that you're everything he's not! You're like, like
the anti-Paolo!
Chandler: My Catholic friend is right. She's
distraught. You're there for her. You pick up the pieces, and then
you usher in the age of Ross! (Ross and Chandler look off into the
distance. Joey, wondering what they are looking at, looks in the
same direction)
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[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, Rachel is throwing Paolo's
clothes over the side.]
Paolo: No, that's cold, that's cold, that's...
[Cut to inside the apartment.]
Ross: (entering) How's it going?
Monica: Don't stare. Now she just finished throwing his
clothes off the balcony, now there's just a lot of gesturing and
arm-waving, (shows Rachel gesturing with hands in front of her
chest), Ok, that is either, 'How could you?' or, 'Enormous
breasts!' Here he comes!
Phoebe: Ooh!
(Paolo enters. Ross, Phoebe, and Monica scatter)
Paolo: Uh, I am, uh, to say good-bye.
Phoebe: Oh, ok bye-bye.
Monica: Paolo, I really hate you for what you did to Rachel,
(hands him a lasagna) but I still have five of these, so heat it at
375 until the cheese bubbles.
Paolo: Grazie.
Ross: Paolo, I-I just want to tell you and I think I speak
for everyone when I say... (shuts door in his face and walks
away)
Phoebe: Oh, just look at her... (girls move toward Rachel on
the balcony)
Ross: Oh you guys, I-I really think just one of us should go
out there so she's not overwhelmed...
Monica: Oh, you're right.
Ross: (pulls Monica back) ...and I really think it should be
me.
[Cut to the balcony, Ross has just climbed through the
window.]
Ross: Hey.
Rachel: Hey.
Ross: You all right?
Rachel: Ooh, I've been better...
Ross: Come here. (he hugs Rachel) Listen, you deserve so
much better than him...you know, I mean, you, you, you should be
with a guy who knows what he has when he has you.
Rachel: Oh, Ross...
Ross: What?
Rachel: I am so sick of guys. I don't want to look at
another guy, I don't want to think about another guy, I don't even
want to be near another guy. (Ross crosses arms)
Ross: Huh.
Rachel: Oh Ross, you're so great!
Ross: Ohhhh (Hugs her and sighs)
[Cut to inside the apartment, Rachel and Ross are entering.]
Monica: Ooh...hey honey, are you all right?
Rachel: Oh...
Phoebe: You ok?
Rachel: ...medium...hmm...any cookies left?
Phoebe: Yep!
Ross: See, Rach, uh, see, I don't think that swearing off
guys altogether is the answer. I really don't. I think that what
you need is to develop a more sophisticated screening
process.
Rachel: No. I just need to be by myself for a while, you
know? I just got to figure out what I want
Ross: Uh, no, no, see, because not...not all guys are going
to be a Paolo.
Rachel: No, I know, I know, and I'm sure your little boy is
not going to grow up to be one.
Ross: (astonished) What?
Rachel: What?
Ross: I-I'm, I'm having a boy?
Rachel: Uh...no. No, no, in fact, you're not having a
boy.
Ross: Wha-I'm having, I'm having a boy! (babbling) Huh, am I
having a boy?
Girls: Yes, you're having a boy! (Monica runs over and hugs
Ross)
Ross: I'm having a boy! Oh, I'm having a boy!
(Joey and Chandler run in)
Chandler: Wha-
Joey: Wha-
Joey and Chandler: What is it?
Ross: I'm having a boy! I-I'm having a boy!
Joey: Hey!
Chandler: Hey!
Joey and Chandler: We already knew that! (they
hug)
Ross: I'm having a son. Um...
(Ross looks scared)
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Closing Credits
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Monica is busy killing Chandle and
Joey at foosball.]
Monica: Yes! And that would be a shut-down!
Joey and Chandler: Shut-out!! (They both start
heading for their rooms.)
Monica: Where are you guys going? Come on, one more
game!
Joey: Uh, it's 2:30 in the morning!
Chandler: Yeah, get out!
Monica: You guys are always hanging out in my apartment!
Come on, I'll only use my left hand, huh? Come on, wussies! (Joey
and Chandler pick her up) All right, ok, I gotta go. I'm going,
(they throw her out) and I'm gone.
Chandler: (to Joey) One more game?
Joey: Oh yeah!
End
