【雅思写作真题】剑桥8 Test2小作文实例批改丨附考官范文
2017-03-06 14:57阅读：
真题：剑桥8 Test2 小作文
The three pie charts below show the changes in annual spendingby a
particular UK school in 1981, 1991 and 2001. Summarise the
information byselecting and reporting the main features, and make
comparisons where relevant.
考生原文
Here are somepie charts about total school spending change in three
different years (1981),(1991), and (2001).
Comparethese three diagrams, we can easily find out that Teacher’s
salaries are alwaysthe biggest percentage overall. On the first
chart, furniture & equipmentand insurance both have a very low
percentage. After 10 years, teacher absorbeven more finance.
Furniture & equipment on
ly one third of itself ago.
Let’smove on to the second chart. Resources and insurance start to
contain moremoney, and resources got it’s peak in these 30 years.
Also teacher’s salariesclimbed to it’s (its) top, just half of the
total spending (50%).
Finally,figure on the third chart is becoming more reasonable now.
Maybe relay to therecycle of books, the cost of resources reduced a
lot. People start to thinkinsurance is more and more important, and
reach it’s maximum value 8%.
Duringthese years, the maintenance move from teachers and other
staff to students. Tomake school a wonderland for students.
批改By 晟睿 葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：
TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR
(词汇资源)。
文末会进行总评及打分。
用词不当 逻辑错误 语法错误
修改添加
Here are some pie charts about total
schoolspending change in three different years
(1981),
(1991), and (2001).
（introduction中使用here are,较为口语和非正式，可改为：The pie chartsgive
information about;时间表达方面，不需要每个年份单独一个括号，可改为in three different
years(1981,1991and 2001)，也可以不罗列具体年份的数字）
Compare these three diagrams, we can easilyfind out
thatTeacher’s salaries
arealways the
biggest percentage overall.
（句首的表达不符合学术写作的正式用语，并且后面的时态有误，建议本句改为：It is clear
thatteachers’ salaries had the biggest percentage of school
spending in all thethree years.）On the first
chart(不必对图形排序，应直接点出具体时间，改为：In 1981), furniture
& equipmentand insurance both
have(本篇主体陈述应为过去时态) a very
low percentage. After 10years,
teacher absorb evenmore
finance（教师薪资作为支出项目，比重增长，不能理解为老师吸收更多资金，本句表达有误，可改为：teachers’salaries
rose significantly）. Furniture & equipment
only one third of itself
ago.
（本句缺少谓语动词，only不能直接放在主语后面，可改为：Money spent
onfurniture and equipment was only 5%, one third of the proportion
in 1981.）
Let’s move on to the second chart.
（let’s是非正式用法，不适用，可直接写However, in 1991）Resources
and insurance startto
contain more
money（表达上升趋势用词不当，可改为spending onresources increased
noticeably to 20% while the cost of insurance slightly grewto
3%）,and resources
got it’s peak
（“达到高峰”正确表达：reached its peak）in these 30 years.
Alsoteacher’s salaries climbed to
it’s（its） top,
just half of the totalspending (50%).
（just这里缺少一个成分，导致句意不全。可改为：representing half of thetotal
spending with 50%）
Finally,figure on the third chart
isbecoming more
reasonable now. Maybe relay to the recycle of books, the cost
ofresources reduced a lot. People start to think
insurance
is more and more
important, and
reach it’s maximum value 8%.
（本段多为主观猜测，偏离小作文的做题要求，对TA项得分造成较大问题。保险支出的描写，建议：Insurance
costexperienced a consistent growth, reaching 8% in
2001.）
Duringthese years,
the
maintenance（本题没有这一叫法，所指不明）move from teachers
andother staff to students.
Tomake school a wonderland
for students.（主观猜测，同上）
总评分
4.5分（ TA4.5 CC5.0 GRA4.5 LR4.5）
1. 内容上虽有对各项支出的提及，但整体较为凌乱，不能很好反映出本动态图的特征，而且添加了主观猜测，和小作文的题目要求不符
2. 全文结构完整，段落之间层次分明，但是按照时间来分段，在陈述上会有一定内容重复，不是很简洁
3. 数据表达较少，动态描写不够到位
4.
用词不当（典型的有value、its和it’s的混淆、contain、absorb）以及语法错误（比如动词时态）频繁，影响表达效果
考官范文
The charts show how much a UK school spent on differentrunning
costs in three separate years: 1981, 1991 and 2001.
In all three years, the greatest expenditure was onstaff salaries.
But while other workers’ salaries saw a fall from 28% in 1981to
only 15% of spending in 2001, teachers’ pay remained the biggest
cost,reaching 50% of total spending in 1991 and ending at 45% in
2001.
Expenditure on resources such as books had increased to20% by 1991
before decreasing to only 9% by the end of the period. In
contrast,the cost of furniture and equipment saw an opposite trend.
This cost decreasedto only 5% of total expenditure in 1991 but rose
dramatically in 2001 when itrepresented 23% of the school budget.
Similarly, the cost of insurance saw arising trend, growing from
only 2% to 8% by 2001.
Overall, teachers’ salaries constituted the largestcost to the
school, and while spending increased dramatically for equipment
andinsurance, there were corresponding drops in expenditure on
things such asbooks and on other workers’ salaries.
（范文来源：剑桥8考官范文）
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