【雅思写作真题】剑桥8 Test4小作文实例批改丨附考官范文
2017-03-17 13:17阅读：
作文题目：剑桥8
Test4小作文
The graph below shows the quantities of goods transported in the UK
between 1974 and 2002 by four different modes of
transport.Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the
main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
考生原文
The line diagram which indicates the goods transported in UK
between (1974) and (2002), according to different ways of transport
and the tonnes they carried.
Among these lines, water and rail both start with the similar value
40 million tonnes at 1974. After 4 years, the amounts of goods that
carried by ship had an increase. However, the amounts that
transported by t
rains went down. Though water line had a decrease from 1982 to
1998, the overall value of it always above the rail line.
The most obvious line which can find on the top of chart is the
quantity of goods that transported by road. It held the highest
position during 28 years(start at 78 tonnes and finish at 98
tonnes). Turning to the bottom of the chart, the black straight
line reveal the pipeline. It is clear that the black line had two
climbing points, but it is still the minimum figure.
Overall, the chart demonstrates that the technology is developing.
Because all the lines have a positive gradient or the final value
is greater than start value.
批改By 晟睿 葡萄
本次批改严格按照IELTS小作文评分标准进行。IELTS小作文评分项：
TA (内容的完整性), CC (连贯性及一致性), GRA (语法范围及精准度), LR (词汇资源)。
文末会进行总评及打分。
用词不当 逻辑错误
语法错误 修改添加
Test 4
The
line diagram（线图的规范叫法为line
graph或者graph）which(本句结构正常，无需插入which,
也难以构成定语从句)indicates the goodstransported in
UK（in the UK或者in the
UnitedKingdom） between (1974) and
(2002)(年份和介词不能这样用括号隔开，应把两个括号去掉，或者把词组改写为：from 1974
to2002,也可以是between the time period of 1974 and 2002),
according to different ways oftransport and the tonnes they
carried.
Among these
lines（主体段描述图形特征时，应以内容来陈述，而非图形的叫法，可以改为：Among the
fourtypes of transport）, water and rail both start with the
similar value 40 million tonnes
at
1974
（value指的是价值，此处使用不妥；年份前面的介词，不是at。本句可改为：From 1974
to1978, water transported around 40 million tonnes goods per year,
which wasalmost the same as the quantity carried by rail.）.
After 4 years, the amounts of goodsthat carried by ship had an
increase. However, the amounts
that（后面的成分可以作为amounts的后置修饰语，所以这里不用添加that，不必试图写从句，否则变成了一个病句）
transported
by
trains（通过某种交通方式，by后面的名词一般是单数形式，by
railway即可）went down. Though waterline had a decrease from
1982 to 1998,
the overall value of it always above the
rail
line（above不能作为动词表达高于或者超过；从信息准确角度来说，是水运的货物量多于铁路货运量，而非line图形的表象比较。本句可改为：Despite
a declinein the quantity of goods carried from 1990 to 1998, water
transported moregoods than rail between 1978 and
2002.）.
The most obvious line which can find onthe top of
chart（定语从句用错，并且陈述方式不符合描述特征的要求） is the
quantity of goods
that（同上，that删去，避免语法错误）
transported by road.
（本句可改为：Road was the
mostimportant way of transport throughout the period.
后面写趋势和数据）It held the highestposition during 28
years(
startat 78 tonnes and finish at 98
tonnes时态应该是过去，且单位漏掉了数量级million).
Turning to the bottom of the
chart(同上，主体部分的陈述方式，应用交通方式或者货物，而非图形), the black
straight line
reveal（reveal主要表示揭露，此处用词不当）the
pipeline. It is clearthat
the black linehad two
climbing points,but it is still the minimum
figure.（同上，陈述方式错误）（最后两句对pipeline的描述，可改为：It is clear
thatpipeline transported much less goods than the other means.
After a 20-yearincrease, the quantity of goods transported by
pipeline remained stable ataround 23 million tonnes from around
1995 to 2002.）
Overall, the
chart(同上，图形混淆)
demonstrates that
the technology is
developing.Because all the lines havea positive gradient or the
final value is greater than start
value（主观推测，脱离题目要求；结尾应该以总结图形信息特征为目标）
总评分
5.0分（ TA5.5 CC5.0
GRA4.5 LR5.0）
1.信息的描写相对完整，有趋势描述，但是数据表达少，信息的比较上还有欠缺
2.句子和句子之间有一些连词，但是从全文来看，语言的衔接上，还要提升，建议学习更多方法，使文内衔接更为自然和顺畅
3.语法错误较多，比如定语从句、动词时态，动词时态是考生常见错误，也是低级错误
4.词汇量不大，用词准确度欠缺
5.图形的混淆，line graph和chart、diagram明显不同
考官范文
The graph illustrates the quantitiesof goods transported in the
United Kingdom by four different modes of transportbetween the time
period of 1974 and 2002. Over this span of 28 years, thequantities
of goods transported by road, water and pipeline have all
increasedwhile the quantity transported by rail has remained almost
constant at about 40million tonnes.
The largest quantity of goodstransported both in 1974 and 2002 was
by road(70 million tonnes and 98 milliontonnes respectively) while
the lowest both in 1974 and 2002 was bypipeline(about 5 million
tonnes and 22 million tonnes respectively). The amountof goods
transported by water was constant from 1974 to 1978, where it
showedan exponential growth, rising to almost 60 million tonnes
after which itplateaued for about 20 years before starting to rise
gradually again.
The amount of goods transported byrail is almost constant at 40
million tonnes in 1974 and 2002, with decreasesin quantity in
between the years. It is also interesting to note that almostall
showed a decrease in 1994 in amount of goods transported except for
thepipeline, which actually peaked in that year.
In conclusion, the road remains themost popular method of
transporting goods in the UK while water and pipelinesare becoming
increasingly used, have not become more popular as a method
oftransport.
（范文来源：剑桥8 考生高分范文）
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