obsession
2023-01-19 11:11阅读：
Through last month, I experienced an kind of obsession/addiction
which is terrible enough to steal my sleep and time,energy, all my
mind was blowed away and occupied by only one thing:seaching on the
second-hand online store to look for second-hand furnitures,
decorations etc. All this begins at going again to the big house at
faraway.
This kind of obsession is not the first time.
But, I didn't expect that I,or any human being, could so easily
fallen into the same pit again and again.......That is crazy.
About a month, at first two weaks, it is acutally painful. Because
I could not think about any other things except browsing on website
looking for sth to buy. Well, cheap bargain could be addictive.
Another addiction comes from vison.
Just can not think about any other things other than the image of
the house, the furniture, the decoration etc, which color, which
size,which position, space allocation etc. The dopamine hikes so
high that just the image, idea , visi
on of the house could be the source of rewards.
It's crazy to brownse pictures or videos of the house at am 2:00
without sleeping. But I just can't help.The urgency is so
imperative that I begged all the sellers would respond to me in two
minutes, even in the deep night. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't enjoy
meal slowly. I swallowed the food and keep to my phone again. It's
a pure pain to transfer my attentions away from the plan, the
pictures of the house to the work that I faced.I need to do some
editing. Every minutes that I didn't spend on the
browsing,planning, researching the pictures felt like pain.
I slept poorly and keep browsing overtime make my eye eche. All
this suffering is nothing compared to my urgent need to do what I
want.
The dopamine hike is as much painful and compulsive as dopamine
crash.
I still remembered the crash that happened 1 years ago.It is so bad
that I felt that I was exploited all my strenth,mental and
physical, I was left like a broked piece of paper, I accusing
myself for make big mistakes and choose to buy such a deserted
house and even nobody would willing to visit it.I felt I was
deserted too. I can forgive myself to make such a foolish decision
just by a rush impulse in my brain.
Now, maybe that neural curcuits still exist. After crash, the
dopamine level returned to lower, and now it is time to get hike
again!
exactly, the hike is so strong that I felt I was blowed away, like
a boat in a waterfall, losing control totally of my mind, my will
power, my sense.
what this hike and crash taught me ?
A precious lesson.
I know that I am not as sensible as I thought myself to be.
A minor trigger could blow my sobriety away. I actually full of
illusion in my perception of the world. The crazy mania is totally
unreasonable. Yes, human being's nature is not that good that
keeping sober and avoiding mania seems so easy. We all could fall
into illusions and mania. I can't cheat myself again that the
objective world is objective. No, it is just another dopamine
Hike.
Something new, something fancy,something beautiful from outside,
all could trigger dopamine hike. No, not because it is really so
fancy, everything, everything that is seemed so cool is not
actually that cool, it is also the under the illusion of the
dopamine effect.
Something new, as long as time pass by , the dopamine hike faded,
will lose its attraction, at least 80% of it, so everything what
our senses get is under some kind of dopamine illusion.
We are bio-chemical being.
schade!
The imagination is the biggest boost for dopamine effect to expand.
Once enter this dopamine hit, one just keep imagining. Couldn't
stop. keep visioning. Once I got to the house, it surprised me that
the room is not as big as I visioned. Something is totally not what
I had imagined.
THis is the effect of dopamine. It makes you keep
visioning,planning, craving and twist reality during vision. But,
if not this crazy drive, who would have so much enthusiasm to
change the reality? Dopamine is neccessary sometimes when one need
so much drive to change reality to make something happen. even by
twisting reality a bit.
